Hot Ones: Spider-Man Tries Not to Spill Secrets While Eating Hot Wings
by jenniboo311
Summary: You may recognize our next guest from his daring acrobatics, swinging high above the streets of Queens as he patrols vigilantly to keep its citizens safe. From rescuing cats stuck in trees to taking down drug rings and even occasionally joining the Avengers in taking on aliens to save the world, there is no task too simple or too daunting for this hero. Please welcome to the show..
1. Spider-Man in the Hot Seat

I love interview fics and I haven't seen one for Hot Ones yet so I thought I'd give it a try. For this fic I see Peter as a little older than Homecoming Peter, maybe 18 to 22, but it's open to reader interpretation since it's never explicitly mentioned how old he is. I also made him a little more confident and less awkward than Homecoming Peter, and slightly more like Spider-Man (PS4) Peter because I think he's hilarious and great and it would make sense to act that way if he was a bit older here.

This was originally posted on AO3. I know terms of use for ffn prohibit fics with real people in them, so since the host of Hot Ones is a real person I have renamed Sean Evans as Sean Bevans. He will have an uncanny resemblance to the former. ;)

Leave me a comment and let me know if you laughed. I will be using reviewer names as YouTube commenters for future Hot Ones interviews with the rest of the Avengers. Make sure to follow me so you don't miss out. I hope you enjoy!

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The video begins focused on a man in his early thirties looking into the camera, hair buzzed short and wearing a white hoodie under a black bomber jacket. He is sitting at a small table with ten bottles of hot sauce lined up down the center from hot to hottest, a platter of ten chicken wings set in front of him, with the whole set backdropped in black. The man smiles and begins his introduction.

"Hi everyone, from First We Feast this is Sean Bevans and you're watching Hot Ones: the show with hot questions and even hotter wings."

The camera angle changes but maintains the closeup.

"You may recognize our next guest from his daring acrobatics, swinging high above the streets of Queens as he patrols vigilantly to keep its citizens safe. From rescuing cats stuck in trees to taking down drug rings and even occasionally joining the Avengers in taking on aliens to save the world, there is no task too simple or too daunting for this hero. Please welcome to the show, the amazing Spider-Man."

The camera changes to focus on the guest sitting across from him, a young man wearing dark blue jeans, white sneakers, and a thin dark grey hoodie that easily displays the shape of his fit body, the sleeves casually pulled a third of the way up to reveal sinewy forearms corded with veins and a few faint scars. Most notably he is wearing a Spider-Man mask to preserve his identity.

The large white eyes narrow a fraction in delight and the area around the mouth twitches, as if there is a smiling mouth beneath the fabric.

"Wow, what an intro," he enthuses, "Thank you so much for having me! I'd say it's a pleasure to be here but I'm actually a fan of your show and so I have a good idea of what's in store for me."

His voice is light and friendly and sounds relatively young.

They both laugh at Spider-Man's joke and Sean looks delighted and flattered.

"Thank you so much, I am a fan of yours as well, Spider-Man! You sound a bit apprehensive though. I've gotta ask, how are you with hot food?"

"Uhhhh-"

He reaches back to scratch the back of his neck nervously and the eyes on his mask widen comically as he cocks his head to the side and continues.

"I'm gonna be real honest with you here, Sean."

Sean laughs again, "Okay lay it on me Spidey - can I call you Spidey?"

"Yeah of course. I actually used to love hot food. A relative of mine was pretty terrible at cooking when I was growing up so we got takeout a lot and we would often get this crazy hot curry for fun from a spot down the road and man, I think we had cast iron stomachs because it didn't bother us a bit and most people can't even get through half."

Sean throws his hands up in confusion and gestures at him, "So this should be a breeze for you! Why do you sound so worried?!"

"I said 'used to'! Since I became enhanced and became Spider-Man my senses have been heightened and are what I've described as 'dialed to eleven'. So where I used to be able to basically eat battery acid, I fear now it's going to kick my ass. I actually don't know for sure since I've avoided it since the incident but I suspect it will be bad."

Sean grins devilishly and not at all sorry, "Uh oh! That's not looking good for you!"

Spider-Man shifts in his chair to get more comfortable and one eye widens slightly as if he has raised an eyebrow, "No it's not! Give me a mob of dangerous armed criminals any day, but a plate of chicken wings can get the best of me!"

Sean rubs his hands together like a cliche evil villain, "And now we know your weakness!"

Spider-Man recoils in jest and slaps a hand to his covered mouth.

"Seriously though," Sean continues, "Aren't you worried that potential enemies will know now that you're weakened by things that will overwhelm your heightened senses?"

"I mean nobody is invulnerable, not even people who are enhanced. I'm still human, just...extra. If you blast loud noise or bright lights at anyone it's going to be unpleasant. But I've got my suit to help with most of that. My mask helps dampen sounds and dim lights, things like that."

"Well what if you lose the mask?"

Spider-Man shrugs, "If they're close enough to manage to relieve me of my mask without a fight I've got bigger problems."

They both laugh and Sean nods and concedes the point.

"Okay Spidey, let's get this party started! Good luck!"

Spider-Man reaches up to carefully fold the mask up over his mouth to reveal a chiseled jaw, light stubble, and a gentle, friendly grin.

"It would be a bit difficult to eat wings with a mask over my mouth."

Sean looks intrigued at seeing even this much of his face and a bit surprised, "My God, that jawline could cut glass!"

Spider-Man gives a surprised laugh that reveals even, white teeth, and a faint flush creeps up his neck. He settles on an embarrassed smirk and brings his hand up to drag down his jaw, "Thanks, I think?"

"Wow, did I really just get Spider-Man to blush?"

Spider-Man shrugs awkwardly, "I'm not use to getting compliments on my face since I've always got my mask on, usually people comment on my ass."

"I mean, it's a great ass!" Sean quips teasingly.

They both laugh and Sean is obviously joking and trying to rile him up but it works and Spider-Man flushes darker and shakes his head in embarrassed resignation.

"It's the spandex! Not much left to the imagination unfortunately."

"Or fortunately, depending on who you ask!"

Spider-Man shakes his head again and they both finally take a bite of the first wing. After a couple chews Spider-Man freezes and then clenches his jaw and inhales deeply to fortify himself.

"Alright there Spidey?" Sean is quietly amused.

After a moment he quickly chews the rest of the bite and downs it in a painful sounding gulp, his Adam's apple visibly bobbing. He tries to speak but his voice cracks and he has to clear it and try again, "I think I'm in trouble."

"Already?!" The host exclaims in disbelief, "It's only the first one!"

Spider-Man's jaw clenches and his large white eyes narrow at him playfully.

"I am painfully aware of that, Sean."

Sean laughs at Spider-Man's deadpan delivery and gives him a minute while he finishes the wing and tosses it in the trash hidden behind the table before dabbing his mouth politely with a napkin.

"Speaking of spandex," Sean begins, "I've gotta say it's extremely strange to see you sitting here without the red and blue, you look like a totally normal dude! I'll be honest, I was expecting you to show up in the suit. I wasn't expecting this normal dude in a mask to stroll in!"

Spider-Man laughs, "That's the thing isn't it? I am a totally normal guy outside of the walking on walls thing. I've been told I'm a little boring to be honest."

Sean shakes his head and scoffs, "I'm not sure I believe that."

Spider-Man shrugs a shoulder, "I guess the Spider-Man side of me is so exciting that a little boring isn't a bad thing. Everyone needs a bit of downtime. Nobody can stay switched on all the time, even Spider-Man!"

"No, I guess not," Sean concedes.

"And I figured if I was going to suffer through the agony of 'the last dab' I should at least be comfortable instead of sweating a puddle in my spandex. I dare say I'll sweat more today than even some of my more memorable fights."

"You're so sure you'll get to the final wing and 'the last dab'! I love the confidence," he crows and Spider-Man answers with a cocky smirk and cheeky finger guns.

"And is this something you typically like to wear," he continues, "Your civilian clothes, so to speak?"

"I mean...yes and no? I guess it's what I would wear if people knew I was Spider-Man? I usually wear thicker hoodies and baggy shirts to hide my body. I'd love to be able to wear clothes that actually properly fit me all the time. I usually only wear these when I'm at the Avengers compound."

Sean's jaw drops, "So you're telling me that you're ripped and nobody even knows?"

Spider-Man laughs, "Yep! I tend to act a little differently as a civilian to separate the two for safety, not as saucy or outgoing, and that definitely includes hiding how strong I am."

"I don't think I'd have the willpower to not show off," Sean admits. "So if your identity is eventually revealed, will people who know you be surprised?"

Spider-Man clears his throat a couple times, clearly uncomfortable with the spice but trying not to be too obvious.

"When I'm revealed, and I've always assumed it will get out eventually so it's more of a when rather than an if, I think people are definitely going to be surprised. I don't think anyone who knows my civilian self would ever guess I'm Spider-Man. Which I guess is a big part of how I've managed to keep it secret these last three or four years."

Spider-Man begins to visibly relax as the interview progresses and he slouches back into his chair, resting his right ankle over his left knee. His left hand comes to rest on his shoe, his fingers idly tapping.

"But does that offend you though?" Sean continues, "I feel like if that were me and I was like, 'I'm Spider-Man!', and my friends were all like, 'There's no way this weird wimp is Spider-Man', I'd be pretty offended. I'd be like, 'Not even a small part of you thinks I could be Spider-Man?!'"

Spider-Man laughs, "I mean yeah, there's a small vain part of me that bristles at having to act 'lesser' than what I am. I'm a pretty lean guy so if I wear a baggy shirt I just look kinda scrawny. I've been mocked for being 'weak', I've been pushed around, roughed up. And I can't even fight back because I don't want to hurt anyone and it wouldn't be a fair fight, and because it would give away the game so to speak. So that part of me is offended I guess, and wishes I could just show people what I'm made of. You know? Show them I can be a funny smartass who can hold his own and that I'm not as shy and meek as I might seem. But the sensible side of myself, which is thankfully a lot more prominent than the vain part, is relieved that it's that much more unbelievable because my friends and family are safer that way."

"Except now people will know that you act weak and shy, won't that give you away?"

Spider-Man pauses to think and scratch thoughtfully at his jaw, "No I don't think so. I just act more like normal people do. A ton of people are shy to some degree and most people will avoid conflict so I don't think that's really giving things away. That's just describing most of the population and if they can figure out who I am just from that I'll be impressed."

They both move on to the next wing, Spider-Man giving a slight cough after the first swallow.

"Hoooo, that's got a kick!", he wheezes and takes another bite.

Sean is impressed, "Wow, and you're still going to clean the wing. Mad respect, Spidey!"

Spider-Man finishes eating and tosses the bone away and dabs his mouth with a napkin, "I detest wasting food."

Sean raises his eyebrows curiously, "Is that from some kind of personal experience or just on general principal?"

Spider-Man ponders how much to reveal, purses his lips, and hesitantly admits, "I...grew up in a limited income household. It never got so bad that I truly went without, but we were sometimes limited enough that I wasn't always exactly full either. My family did their absolute best to provide for me and I'm incredibly thankful for that and I try to never take things for granted like food or a roof over my head. And that unfortunately translates to cleaning a chicken wing even when my tongue feels like I've licked a cheese grater."

Sean nods along sympathetically to Spider-Man's answer until the end where he laughs and says, "Surely it's not that bad already?"

Spider-Man answers by hanging out his tongue, which is an angry red color.

Sean winces, "Oh God! That looks painful! You are totally in trouble! Are you okay to continue?"

Spider-Man sticks his tongue back in and takes a few deep breaths with his mouth open to try to cool it with the air. After a moment Spider-Man answers him in a humourous deadpan, "You may not know this about me, Sean, but part of being Spider-Man involves having zero self preservation."

This causes Sean to laugh before he continues with the interview.

"Growing up on movies and comics where the hero with the secret identity miraculously transforms into his alter ego by taking off his glasses and sporting a cheesy spit-curl, I never much considered how silly that really was. Now, being privileged to live in a time and place that honest to God real superheroes exist I've gotta wonder how challenging it actually is to separate the two identities in real life. Do you worry that acquaintances of your civilian self will watch this interview and recognize your voice? Or even that they'll run into Spider-Man in person some day and recognize your voice and figure it out?"

Spider-Man shrugs, "Back when I first started, sure, that was a possibility. I made my own gear by myself in those days and didn't have access to the real fancy tech. I made my web formula and my web shooters and a crappy version of my suit but that's about it. But after I met Tony Stark and we started working together on my gear I haven't had to be worried about that so much. He installed a voice modulator in my mask. It's not drastically different than my normal voice, but it's just different enough that if you knew my civilian self you wouldn't hear Spider-Man and think, 'Hey I know that guy!' And as for this video, since I can't wear my mask over my mouth for the modulator I have a piece that is clipped over my mic right now that's modulating for me."

Sean perks up in interest, "So the voice I'm hearing right now in studio is your real voice?"

Spider-Man grins cheekily and jests, "Yes! Aren't you lucky?!"

Sean claps a dramatic but genuine hand to his chest, "I am! I feel so privileged!"

Spider-Man's cheeky grin softens into a flattered smile and his eyes narrow in delight, "I wasn't too worried because I knew that I didn't know anybody that works here on your set so nobody will recognize my real voice. And everybody watching at home will just hear the Spidey-voice." Spider-Man's grin sharpens, "And hey, if you guys end up recognizing me somehow anyway, you've all signed NDAs."

Sean snaps his fingers in feigned disappointment, "Oh man! So if I happen to meet you while you're in your civvies and I recognize your voice I can't acknowledge you?"

"I mean, I'd probably make eye contact and smirk at you when no one is looking because I'm a little shit. But otherwise I'd pretend not to know you."

They both share a laugh.

Spider-Man coughs a couple times and sniffles as his nose has started to run with the spice.

"Hanging in there, dude?"

Spider-Man doesn't answer right away but takes a couple deep breaths before answering with a slightly strangled, "'M fine."

Sean smirks and they dig in to their third wing.

"You've mentioned Tony Stark, how did you two meet? Did you approach him and be like, 'Hey I'm Spider-Man!"

Spider-Man snorts and coughs into his napkin from the spice as he's cleaning his mouth. He sniffs some more and wipes his running nose, "No, not at all. We met a couple years ago now, but I didn't approach him. I had no intention of telling anyone who I was and that included Tony Stark, Iron Man or not."

Spider-Man pauses for a moment to hang his head backwards in a fit of desperation and grabs the top of his head in a tortured manner.

"God that's hot. Why am I doing this?"

Sean laughs good naturedly and replies, "To be honest, Spidey, I ask myself that question everyday."

Spider-Man chuckles and visibly flustered says, "What was I taking about? Oh right, meeting Tony. Yes. I came home one day and he was sitting on my couch talking to my family member like it was no big deal."

"What seriously?!"

"Yep! So I start internally panicking like, 'What does he know?' I can only think of one reason Iron Man is in my living room and it's probably to do with my alter ego. And sure enough he starts rhyming off this totally bogus competition that I had supposedly applied to Stark industries for and that I had supposedly won and I knew then that he knew. The look he shot me that screamed, 'Play along or else,' really cinched it."

Sean's jaw dropped, "Oh God what did you do?"

"I played along of course. My family member didn't know anything about Spider-Man - in fact nobody else at all knew at that point in time - and thankfully Tony had assumed as much so we kept it up until my family member was satisfied and we stepped out to speak alone to 'hash out the details'."

Sean was visibly intrigued, "What did he want?"

"He was trying to recruit me for that whole Avengers conflict that people dubbed the 'civil war'. He needed help and had seen some YouTube videos floating around of me, and Tony Stark being Tony Stark managed to figure out who I was just from that."

"Holy shit!"

"I know!"

Sean's eyebrows creased in concern, "Are you worried someone else could find you that way?"

Spider-Man grins in mirth, "Not unless they're Tony Stark. I think only he can manage something like that with such flimsy information."

They both laugh and Sean agrees that that is probably true.

"So judging from the few clips that surfaced in the news, you fought with them in Germany so you took him up on it I guess?"

"Yeah, of course I did. He needed the help and I mean you don't just say no to Iron Man for no reason."

"No I would guess not! And how did all of that go?"

"I mean I'm sure you heard the basic jist of the outcome in the media. Other than that, I stole Cap's shield! Bucky and Sam are still a little salty that I kicked their asses but everything was worked out later so no hard feelings. We're all friends now and back together again."

Sean stutters, "Wait-wait! You stole captain America's shield?!"

Spider-Man grins proudly, "I did! But then he dropped an airport terminal on me so I'd say we're about even."

Sean goes wide eyed at the nonchalant quip of an event that would kill any normal person, "Dude what even is your life?"

He repeats Sean's words back to him from earlier in a dry tone and with a wry quirk to his lips, "To be honest, Sean, I ask myself that everyday."

They take a moment to laugh together and Spider-Man turns his face away from the camera to pull his mask a little higher to blow his nose. He readjusts his mask again before turning back to Sean.

"Oh God," Spider-Man moans, obviously suffering.

"Almost halfway there Spidey, you're doing great," Sean coaches.

"Am I? I don't feel great."

They eat their fourth wing and Spider-Man whines as he chews and shakes his head like he can't believe he's doing this.

Sean smirks.

"So obviously you've kept in touch with Tony Stark and you've met the other Avengers. What is that relationship like? Have you thought about the possibility of one day becoming one? Is that something you would want?"

Spider-Man thoughtfully nods, "Yeah we're pretty close. I've never told anyone this but not too long after Germany Tony actually invited me to become an Avenger."

"Oh my God! So you're actually an Avenger now?! How did nobody know this?"

Spider-Man coughs and clears his throat, "No, I turned him down."

Sean stares at him dumbfounded, "Did you just say you turned down Tony Stark when he asked you to join the Avengers?"

Spider-Man laughs and tries to smother his smirk but fails, "Yes and he never lets me hear the end of it. I don't think many people tell him no."

"So what was your reasoning? I think most people in your shoes would kill for that opportunity."

"Yeah I think I surprised the hell out of Tony. Actually made his mouth hang open. I like to remember it when he's being particularly irritating."

They snicker and there's a clearing of a throat off screen and Spider-Man looks past the camera in its direction and delivers a shit eating grin. After a moment he becomes serious again and turns back toward the host.

"It's not that I wasn't honored, or even that I didn't want to become an Avenger, because I did and I still do, but unfortunately there was more to consider than just wanting it. Joining the Avengers would involve signing the accords, and signing the accords would require me to unmask to the general public. The biggest reason that I keep myself masked is for protection. Not for myself, because I can handle it and I willingly signed up for all this nonsense and sometimes it would just be easier if I didn't have a secret identity, but I do it for the people around me who wouldn't be able to protect themselves and who didn't ask for any of this. Being in Spider-Man's orbit is incredibly dangerous."

Sean quietly nods, respectful of the sudden serious turn of the conversation.

Spider-Man continues, "It's been determined by the media and law enforcement that I am a young man, likely between the ages of 16 and 25. If that were true then hypothetically it would be logical that I would likely be a student of some kind. And if I were hypothetically a student that would mean an entire school full of students and teachers would be vulnerable at all times just because I attend. I have an awful lot of enemies and every one of them would cheerfully do whatever they needed to do to exploit a weakness to see me dead, and attacking my hypothetical classmates to get to me would be a big one. And that's not to even mention my family, of course."

Sean looks horrified, like he wouldn't have considered that reason, and it brings a weight and seriousness to the interview that hadn't been felt until now.

"Hypothetically," Spider-Man reiterates.

"Right," Sean agrees dubiously, though it's obvious that he is admitting to being a student without actually admitting it.

"And you know, the accords only account for the big world ending stuff, and I'm all about helping the little guy, you know? I have been since the very beginning. And signing the accords right now would prevent me from continuing on how I am now. I would be obligated to stay out of any conflict without consulting the council and who has time for that for a petty theft or an assault? I'd get myself thrown on the RAFT pretty quick because there's no way I could witness a rape and not stop it."

"Wow, yeah, and crime would soar I bet once criminals heard you're off the streets. You've really reduced the crime rate over the last few years. Criminals would have a field day if they knew you couldn't interfere."

"You bet they would. But they're currently working on a clause to address that, so hopefully by the time I need it it won't be a problem."

"So you're still hoping to become an Avenger in future? The offer is still on the table?"

"It's logical to assume that I would hypothetically sign the accords after I hypothetically graduate or when my identity gets outed to the public, which ever comes first. The offer has strictly never been taken off the table, exactly."

Sean snickers at Spider-Man's unwillingness to come right out and confirm without the silly hypotheticals.

"But you know," he continues after a moment, "The loop hole is that the accords don't say anything about training together. I spend some evenings and most weekends at the compound training together and learning to be a team. Legally they can't call on me when they assemble, but if I'm in the area and get wind and join in or am already engaged when they join in, then there's nothing preventing that. And we work seamlessly together because of that training and familiarity. So legally I'm not considered an Avenger but I guess you could call me an honorary one until it's made official?"

Spider-Man shifts in his chair in discomfort and plucks at his hoodie. He gives in and takes a tiny sip of ice water and clears his throat.

Sean has no mercy and continues the interview without pause, "Avengers training on evenings and weekends, patrolling as Spider-Man, 'hypothetically' studying, making time for family and friends, you sound like a busy guy! When do you sleep?"

Spider-Man grins and sniffles with his runny nose, "Sleep is for the weak."

Sean snorts and they dig in to their fifth wing.

Spider-Man makes a noise of enjoyment, "Wow this one is delicious."

Sean looks pleased, "Thank you! This one is actually a Hot Ones branded sauce, glad you like it. We'll send you home with one in your gift bag."

"That's so nice, thank you. And I mean this in the nicest way, I won't be eating it."

Spider-Man begins coughing as the delayed spice kicks in and he gasps in desperation as Sean laughs in amusement.

"I'll give it to my family member though, the one who loves spice. They'll love it. God you're evil, who the hell made this sauce?! Was it you, Sean? I don't think we can be friends."

Sean laughs again and claps a hand to his wounded heart, "I'm devastated to hear that, but yes I was one of a few who had input on the sauce."

Spider-Man looks up at the ceiling in desperation and then pounds a fist against his thigh and then sits up straight again after a moment, though still gasping and groaning.

"You know, you're a funny guy but based on the footage I've seen of you on YouTube and the news, and heard from people who have encountered you in public, I was expecting someone with a lot more wisecracks, who is more sarcastic and a bit goofy. You're humourous but there's a seriousness to you that I didn't expect."

"Yeah I mean I can be a smart ass for sure, but a lot of that is put on and exaggerated for the persona. I find the bad jokes and the nonchalance often unsettles opponents, throws them off. They're used to people being afraid and running away and then I bounce in making terrible puns and they don't know how to handle me. And it brings a certain levity to my day that would otherwise just smother me. I mean I've seen it all, it's some heavy shit. Weapons, drugs, theft, torture, murder, rape, enslavement. I don't act flippant to make light of the situation, I do it because if I don't I'll get buried in the shit that is the dregs of society that I witness everyday. You wanted to interview me to actually get to know me a bit and I don't feel like it would be truly genuine if I snarked my way through the whole thing. The truth is, I'm just not like that twenty-four seven. So you're getting genuine Spider-Man right now."

"Well I appreciate that, Spides, and I can honestly say that I've enjoyed getting to know genuine Spider-Man and I think everyone watching will too."

Spider-Man smiles widely, sniffs again, and snarks, "Yeah maybe not everyone, but I appreciate the sentiment."

"Speaking of, you've had your fair share of bad press for sure. People seem to be really divided on whether they love you or hate you. It must be hard to put so much into saving people only to be called a menace. How do you feel about all that?"

Spider-Man pauses to think for a moment while trying to discretely pick chicken out of his front teeth with his thumb nail.

"I mean...I guess I'm used to it now."

He discretely sucks on his front teeth to dislodge the chicken and pauses to turn away and blow his nose again. He tugs at his collar which brings attention to the sweat beginning to gather in the hollow of his exposed collarbone. He continues in a strained voice, "When I first started it was definitely harder to take. I was just trying to help because I have power and abilities that most people don't have and I felt a responsibility to use that for good. A late relative very dear to me used to tell me 'with great power comes great responsibility'. I didn't take it seriously at the time and without going too deep into that I will say that I later learned the hard way what that motto really means and is largely the reason I actually became Spider-Man. But you know there are always going to be critical people, people who don't like you no matter what you do just for the sake of disliking you, and people who don't like you because they don't understand. It was hard not to take it personally at first but over time I developed a thicker skin and just kind of laugh at it now. I had a rocky start with the police at first but these days they trust me and we have a good working relationship now. The stuff I get blamed for by the public is sometimes ludicrous but you know that's a part of becoming a public figure. I think anyone who becomes famous or dare I say, a celebrity, has to deal with that. Maybe not to the same degree I do, but definitely in similar ways. But the lives I have truly touched and the people I have helped drown all that out. To save someone's child from a burning building and then have them tearfully embrace me and thank me over and over for saving their child's life, feel them shaking in relief and squeezing me as hard as they possibly can, that beats any negativity any day. I don't do it for the gratitude, nor do I need it, but it's fortifying and energizing. That's food for the soul right there. That's why I keep doing what I do. It keeps me going even when it gets really difficult to do so."

Spider-Man starts to sound a bit choked up near the end of his passionate speech and Sean tactfully pauses for a moment to allow Spider-Man to compose himself.

"Wow I can't imagine. Nor can I imagine what it's like to run into a burning building when everyone is running out."

"It's not for everyone! But you know I'm not the only one, we have to give mad props to first responders everywhere because they're running into danger too, not just me. Policemen, firemen, paramedics. They're heros, all of them. And they're not even enhanced. I have the biggest respect for them."

They pause to eat their sixth wing and Spider-Man gets into a coughing fit and struggles to swallow the whole thing but eventually does before wiping his mouth and nose and tugging at his collar again.

"God it's warm in here. Is it warm in here?" He chokes out.

Sean snickers but is otherwise largely unaffected.

"I'm so mad you're not even phased. I'm losing some serious street cred here. I look like a wimp!" Spider-Man gestures angrily at Sean and Sean snickers.

Spider-Man leans his head forward and props it up on his hand, his elbow resting on the the table, sniffing and moaning in distress.

"To be fair I don't have enhanced senses and I've done this a lot, so there's that."

"Yeah I don't think people are going to care too much about that when they're calling me Spider-wimp anyway."

Sean let's out a surprised snort and grins as he watches Spider-Man suffer.

Spider-Man suddenly cracks and reaches for the glass of ice water to his right, "To hell with it, does this shit help?" He gulps a couple mouthfuls and then holds some in his mouth while he looks at Sean in distress.

"I mean psychologically maybe? Mostly no."

Spider-Man leans over to spit the water into the trash hidden to the right of the table and he dabs at his burning, red mouth with his napkin.

Spider-Man groans and seems to deliberate for a moment. "Okay this is coming off."

Spider-Man reaches for his hoodie and yanks it over his head, careful not to upset the mask and reveals his body mic with a small modulator device overtop clipped to a red t-shirt that had previously been concealed by the sweater. The shirt is not skin tight but fits his form well and does nothing to hide his trim figure. The sweat at his throat is more noticeable and glistens in the bright studio lights.

Sean smirks, "Stripping off Spidey? Should we get some music and mood lighting?"

"Listen. If this gets much hotter everyone's getting an eyeful. I'll be the first guest to finish their wings fully naked at this rate."

Sean laughs hard and shakes his head in disbelief, "We'd have to blur, but we'd go viral I think. You do you, Spidey. Do what you need to do."

Spider-Man wheezes out a painful laugh.

Sean changes the topic and gestures at Spider-Man's forearms, "I can't help but notice a couple scars on your exposed arms, do you get injured often? What types of injuries are typical for you?"

"Yeah of course. Obviously I try not to get hit and I'm pretty slick and can usually avoid most incoming attacks, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Both just because I can't move away in time or because there's a civilian behind me and if I move I know they'll get hit."

Sean looks shocked, "Are you saying you've willingly taken bullets for people?"

"Yeah totally, as well as knives and other random projectiles. Desk chairs, mailboxes, chunks of drywall, you name it and they have probably thrown it at me."

Sean interjects with a laugh, "So basically everything but the kitchen sink!"

Spider-Man quirks his lips, "Well actually..."

"You've literally been hit with a kitchen sink?!" Sean asks incredulously.

"I've been hit with almost everything at this point. Usually on purpose though they probably just thought I was too slow to dodge. Most times I can dodge, so often if I get hit it's by choice." Spider-Man turns to address the nearest camera suddenly and points at it as if scolding those watching, "Which is why it's extremely important to flee the area if you can if there is an ongoing altercation. The less potential casualties around the more effective I can be, and the more effective the police can be as well."

He turns back to the host and takes a moment to shift uncomfortably in his chair.

"And do you have a higher pain tolerance then, being enhanced?"

Spider-Man shakes his head emphatically, "No I wouldn't say that. I may be stronger than most people but that doesn't affect my pain tolerance. It hurts to get wailed in the face or shot in the arm as much as if it happened to you or anybody else. I just push past that and do it anyway because the alternative might be someone losing their life. I do have enhanced healing, however, so I heal a lot faster than a regular Joe would. That means a bullet that would cause a fatal bleed out in someone normal might be able to heal fast enough on me to not prove fatal. Still hurts the same though. But yeah, I get a lot of sprained muscles, bruises, minor cuts like a split lip or a superficial graze on my body that usually looks worse than it is. I haven't kept count but I've been stabbed -and this doesn't count superficially - maybe three or four times so I guess that averages to maybe once a year. And I've been shot - again, not counting superficial gunshot wounds - roughly twice that on average. Bone breaks are also fairly common but it depends on what I'm doing. It's not terribly common fighting petty crime because they're usually not skilled enough in hand to hand to give me a broken bone but if I'm training with the Avengers, that's where I get weekly broken bones. They heal pretty fast though, usually a couple days.

"Wow they're not kidding around."

"No definitely not. At this level you play for keeps, you know? There's no pulling punches. Going easy on each other in training would just end up in someone getting killed once they come up against the real deal and find themselves unprepared. I've got Hawkeye actually shooting arrows at me, Black Widow trying to crush me with her thighs, Captain America with his damn shield. Breaks my hand everytime I'm forced to catch it with my bare hands instead of my webs. I hate that thing. It's kind of a running joke at this point. I think he secretly enjoys it because of how we first met and I stole it from him and made him look bad."

Sean raises disbelieving eyebrows, "I'm not sure I believe that. He seems so wholesome in the press."

"Hah! He's a nice guy sure, but he can be a little shit when he wants to. Everyone calls me the little shit but I think it takes one to know one! He's going to punish me for that one later, when he sees this."

"Have you ever had any close calls or truly bad injuries? Any moments where you thought you weren't going to make it?"

"Absolutely." He pauses to take another gulp of water and swallows before coughing and turning to blow his nose.

"Ohhh, God, what is my life? Why is this my life?!"

Sean laughs and waits patiently for Spider-Man to get ahold of himself and answer the question.

"Uhhhhh bad injuries. Hmm. I got skewered once with rusty rebar right through my lower abdomen. It thankfully missed vital organs but I lost a ton of blood and nearly bled out before I could finish the conflict."

Sean's jaw drops, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah that was messy!"

Spider-Man promptly yanks up the bottom half of his t-shirt to reveal his lower torso. It is muscled and smoothly toned as expected, marred by a puckered, nasty looking scar on the left side.

Sean leans in a little and squints to get a better look. After a beat he whistles and shakes his head.

He releases his shirt so that it falls back in place, "And I can't go to a hospital so Tony allows me to get treated at the compound with his personal medical team when it's bad enough that I can't just let it heal on my own."

Sean nods in understanding, "So like getting shot."

"Naw, I usually dig the bullet out myself and staple it closed. I usually have enough time to quickly angle so it doesn't hit anything important. So I do occasionally get shot but it's usually not likely to be fatal."

Sean stares in incredulity, "You dig it out... Staple...That's possibly the most badass thing I've ever heard anyone say."

Spider-Man laughs in surprise and it turns into a cough. He dabs at the sweat on his throat, bringing attention to his now damp shirt collar, and sips some more water.

Spider-Man continues, "Nah, it's usually for something life threatening, or that I will need surgery for. And that really sucks because it's super hard to knock me out or give me painkillers because my body metabolizes them too quickly to be truly effective. Usually I have to suffer through it conscious. One time they needed Thor to come in and belt me in the head to knock me out long enough to operate because it would have been too agonizing to sit through awake."

Sean's eyebrows crawl further up his forehead, "I stand corrected. That might be the most badass thing I've ever heard anyone say."

They share a laugh, Spider-Man's bordering on hysterical from discomfort with the spice.

"What about a situation where you thought you were done for? Had any of those?"

"Yes, though no one knows about it."

Sean sits a bit straighter in his chair with peaked interest, "Nobody?"

Spider-Man shakes his head while gasping and sipping more water.

"Alright, story time," Spider-Man allows, "And though there's a lot more to the story I'd like to tell I can't because it would give too much away and put my identity in jeopardy, so you're going to get the CliffsNotes version. But anyway, you might remember a couple years back, I had a few run ins with a guy who called himself the Vulture."

He pauses to sip and Sean nods in recognition.

"So anyway let's just say shit escalated in a real scary way and it all came to a head one night. He ended up causing a distraction which resulted in the building collapsing on top of me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a strong guy, made of stern stuff, but this was a freaking building okay?"

Sean's mouth drops open and he looks stunned.

"Something else you should also know," he continues, "Is that I didn't have my suit. Most everything I do as Spider-Man is all me, not the suit - besides the webs, of course - so I wasn't defenseless by any means, but the suit provides a little protection, has built in vital stats monitoring to alert Tony if I'm seriously injured or in distress so he can provide assistance, and has built in comms so I can easily communicate with the team in case of trouble. Earlier in the week Tony and I had argued and he took back the suit. We disagreed about some things, it's not important for you to know, but basically all I had was my old suit which was basically glorified jammies. Funny tidbit: Tony often calls me 'Underoos', a nickname that he came up with because of my first suit, the one I was wearing when he met me. It was just a hoodie and sweat pants and a basic mask and goggles and my web shooters."

He paused to turn away and blow his nose and gasp some more and sip some water.

"So I ended up trapped under this structure with no comms, no backup, and nobody knew where I was. I could feel myself slowly being crushed to death and let me tell you, nothing can prepare you for that feeling. I strained every muscle in my body trying to delay the inevitable and I could feel that I only had moments left before the end. And of course my mind went to the people I care about most, my family and how devastated they would be at yet another loss to our family, to my best friend, my 'guy in the chair' who had recently found out about my alter ego and was so supportive and my biggest fan. And then my mind went to Tony who had been a recent big player in my life. He made me an awesome suit and let me explore some of the ideas I had for new Spidey tech while completely footing the bill, as well as generally being supportive and trying to give me advice where he could. And even though we had parted badly I still appreciated him and cared about him and I regretted our last interaction. And that reminded me of one of the last things he said to me as he took the suit back. He said, 'if you're nothing without the suit you don't deserve to have it.' And as the debris pressed the last of the air from my lungs I thought 'he's right you know. C'mon Spider-Man.' and I thought of all the people that would die once Vulture hijacked Tony's plane and the tech got into the wrong hands. I didn't even have enough air left to scream my defiance but defy I did. I stood up from that place somehow, debris raining down around me like an avalanche, and staggered my way after him."

Sean was riveted. "Holy shit! And then what happened?"

"I crashed the plane somewhere safe with the two of us on it, had an epic smackdown, tied him up with a pretty bow, and somehow staggered home to pass out. And hypothetically if I were a student, I hypothetically showed up bright and early Monday morning for school like it was no big deal."

Sean shakes his head in disbelief, "You're unbelievable!"

Spider-Man goes into a coughing fit and when he's finished he's flushed and sweating.

"Thanks! I'm afraid to look over at Tony," he admits nervously, "That's the first time he's heard that story, I don't expect him to take it well. How does he look?"

Sean glances awkwardly off camera and quickly turns back to Spidey.

"Err..." He hedges, "He looks incredibly stony faced. I can see why he's called Iron Man. I think you've got a discussion ahead of you."

The camera cuts to show Tony standing with Happy Hogan behind the main cameras next to a few crew members. He's staring hard past the camera at what is presumably Spider-Man, eyes pinched with guilt. After a moment his eyes shut in devastation and he hangs his head before the camera returns to Spider-Man.

Spider-Man deflates, "Yes I expect so. But that was early in our relationship, we're cool now. Not to spill the tea or anything, but after that incident he apologized and admitted he was wrong. And he almost never does either of those things. It was actually after that incident that he invited me to join the Avengers. Said he was impressed with my integrity and capability."

"I feel like this interview is going so much more differently than I expected," Sean admits, slightly baffled.

Spider-Man cocks his head to the side, "In a good way I hope?"

Sean straightens and raises his right hand as if to swear on scouts honor, "Definitely good!"

Spider-Man claps his hands once and rubs them together, "That's great because it will probably be my last interview ever after Tony murders me at the conclusion of this one."

Sean laughs and Spider-Man turns to look deadpan into the nearest camera and says as his big white eyes narrow, "He thinks I'm joking."

They eat their seventh wing and Spider-Man looks confused for a moment.

Sean smirks knowingly, "Wait for it."

Spider-Man cocks his head curiously and after a moment his mouth drops open in shock and the lenses on his mask bulge comically as he exclaims, "Jesus fuck!"

Sean laughs hysterically and clutches his chest at the sudden and uncharacteristic profanity.

Spider-Man claws at his throat and wails, "Oh my God that is so much hotter. Why is this so fucking hot? Why would you do this to me? You're an asshole, Sean."

The crew behind the cameras can't help but join in the laughter and Spider-Man grips the table white knuckled until the metal groans and dents inwards slightly and he releases it.

Spider-Man jolts and apologizes profusely, "Sorry! So sorry! I'll pay for that!"

Sean waves him off as he gushes, "Are you kidding? We'll keep it as a badge of honor. Dented by Spider-Man himself after calling me an asshole!"

Spider-Man laughs desperately and shakes his head in disbelief and gasps before chugging the rest of his water and pouring another glass.

The host considers him thoughtfully, "Actually I think that's the first time I've ever heard you curse. You're rather well known for your non-lethal approach to conflict and lack of potty mouth. Has sweet, innocent, and wholesome Spoods been a lie all this time?"

Spider-Man doesn't answer right away and instead sticks his tongue into the glass of water in an attempt to assauge the heat. It's an angry red and Sean winces sympathetically. He tries to answer, falters, and goes back to the water. After a moment he wipes his mouth and chin and his running nose. After a few gasping breaths he tries to answer but is flustered and no longer as smooth talking as he has been up until now.

"Uh. What? Oh right. Cursing. Yes. Uh. No. I try not to curse," Spider-Man snaps out shortly in between gasps and gulps of water.

"Why is that? Some of the other Avengers have been known to be potty mouths, I don't think they'd be offended," Sean wheedles.

"No, of course they're not offended. I curse in private with them sometimes. Usually during intense training or if that archer asshole gets a prank over on me."

"Hawkeye?" Sean supplies helpfully.

"Yeah, that one," Spider-Man continues to pretend to not know his name in order to subtly insult him.

Sean catches on quickly and snickers at the slight.

Spider-Man manages to get ahold of himself and supplies, "I try not to curse in public because I have a lot of younger fans. I try to be a good role model where I can because whether I want them to or not they look up to me and follow by example. I'm a scientist by nature, not a fighter, so I try to lead by example and show people that sometimes getting physical can't be helped but that using your words is often more effective and should be the first course of action."

He pauses to moan and put his head in his hands before continuing, his head still in his hands.

"Pen is mightier than the sword and all that. Cursing usually isn't helpful in those situations and actually just escalates things. Most people don't realize that a lot of incidents I respond to I talk down the assailant without even getting physical. But those aren't interesting or sensational enough and don't make it on the news as much as a standoff or car chase would. If everyone used calm, respectful dialogue to resolve conflicts Spider-Man probably wouldn't need to exist."

Sean nods thoughtfully and concedes, "There's much more to you than meets the eye, Spider-Man."

They share an understanding glance for a moment and Spider-Man suddenly interjects, breaking the serious pall, "Having said that, sometimes you need to curse. And I still think you're a fucking asshole."

The whole studio erupted in laughter once again at his serious matter of fact delivery and complete change of character from the joking, friendly guy who first came in, and allowed Spider-Man a few moments to collect himself while they calmed down.

They move on to the next wing but Spider-Man pauses and fearfully looks at the bottle in the center of the table to see what one it is.

Spider-Man eyes the hot sauce bottle for the next wing as he reaches for it and despairs, "Oh god, this is 'da bomb'? This one is always the worst! I watch all the Hot Ones episodes and this one is always the worst. I'm going to die! Here lies Spider-Man. RIP. He saved a lot of cats from trees and had a poppin ass."

The studio erupts in laughter as a bit of the smartass persona bleeds through in his distress.

Sean has already finished his wing and calmly waits for Spider-Man to eat his.

Spider-Man fortifies himself and finally takes a bite and wails in displeasure, "Christ this show is so much more entertaining when it's not me!"

Sean slaps his leg in mirth.

"Yeah I'm not going to lie Spidey, this is going to be good internet."

"UGHHH, I'm so happy for you," he half yells, though his sarcastic tone clearly indicates otherwise.

Spider-Man suddenly focuses on something off camera and his eye lenses narrow into a glare.

"He's mocking me! I'll remember that next time there's a power surge and you're free falling a hundred feet in the air towards the ground!"

There's louder male laughter off screen and Sean turns to look.

Spider-Man points at whoever is laughing, "I'll do anything for you to come over here and clean this wing right now. C'mon hot shot."

Tony Stark waltzes into view and stands next to Spider-Man's chair and smirks down at him.

"Anything?"

"Anything within my power," Spider-Man clarifies.

"The quinjet is due for maintenance next month."

Spider-Man yelps, "That's like a six hour job at least!"

"Yup!" Stark chirped, popping the p.

Spider-Man sighs in resignation and holds up the wing, "As if you werent going to rope me into that anyway. Deal."

Tony smirks as he takes the wing and eats the rest of it without hesitation, noticeably not being bothered by Spider-Man passing him the wing despite his hatred of being handed things and of having to eat from a wing already half eaten by Spider-Man.

Spider-Man watches in anticipation and Tony tosses the clean bone in the trash and nods as he grabs a napkin and cleans his mouth and fingers.

"Not bad," Stark muses nonchalantly.

"Not bad?" Spider-Man repeats, his voice growing in volume, "Not bad?! That's it? Oh my God, I'm going to have a melt down. This doesn't bother you at all? What the hell are you made of?!"

Tony smirks at him and turns to look straight into the camera.

"Iron."

Spider-Man's mouth drops open as Sean is set off into laughter once more.

"Did. Did you just."

Spider-Man and Tony look at each other again.

"Yes I did."

"Get the hell out of here," Spider-Man snaps.

This causes Tony to crack and he starts laughing and grasping his chest as he throws his head back and staggers off camera. Spider-Man's eyes follow his progress, lenses glaring the whole way.

Spider-Man finally turns back to Sean and shakes his head, "The audacity."

This sets off another round of snorts before Sean manages to compose himself to ask his next question.

"Alright Spidey, we have a recurring segment in our show called explain that 'gram where we look at our guest's Instagram, do a deep dive to pull a few of the more interesting looking photos, and ask for a little more context. Does that sound okay?"

"Fine!" He coughs and gasps and finally grabs the milk to drink.

Sean brings out his laptop and shows him a picture of Spider-Man in super hero pose holding captain America's shield.

Spider-Man snorts loudly mid sip and some of his milk splatters. He grabs a napkin to clean up while he tries to compose himself.

"That was actually in Germany, remember when I said I stole Cap's shield? That was it!"

"This was it?! How is there a picture of this?"

"Tony has body cams in some of the tech he makes, for example the Spider-Man suit and the Iron Man suit. He was trying to get under Cap's skin one day and everyone knows he's still a bit salty about it so he pulled up the footage, took a screen grab and made me post it," says Spider-Man as he smirks.

Sean snickers, "How did he react?"

"He roped me into a spar, threw his shield at me, and broke my middle finger. Ironically it needed a splint for a day while it healed so everytime I saw him I flipped him the bird with it. Everyone got a good kick out of that."

Sean shakes his head with a grin, "You guys are insane and hardcore."

Spider-Man laughs in agreement and wipes his runny nose and turns his head to cough politely.

"What about this one?"

Sean shows him a picture of Spider-Man posing with a little girl with a shaved head in a hospital bed grinning at the camera.

Spider-Man momentarily perks up from his struggle with the spice to say, "Yes! That's my friend, Jenny! Nobody really knows this about me but I try to visit children's hospitals when I have the time. It cheers them up. Makes them so happy to see their hero, Spidey. It costs me so very little to brighten their day so I try to do it as often as I can. I met Jenny one day and she asked if I would be her friend and I answered that of course I would! So she wanted us to take a picture to post on my Instagram, which I did with her mom's consent."

"That's so selfless of you. What do the parents and nurses say when they meet you?"

"Oh, I don't think any of them actually think I'm really him. They usually comment on what a dedicated cosplayer I am and how close my costume looks to the real thing."

They both laugh at that.

He continues, "I get asked a lot if I made it myself and I just nod and go along with it. Which isn't a lie, I had a lot of input in the current iteration of the Spider suit. Although Jenny's mom realized I was the real deal when it ended up on my official Instagram! And I guess if they all see this video they'll know it was me all along."

"You didn't tell them it was really you?"

"No because then the focus stays on the children as long as they think I'm a cheesy cosplayer just trying to do a good deed. Once they know it's actually me and word gets out then I get swarmed by fans and it becomes about me. That's not what I wanted. I wanted the kids to feel important and special and loved. A small moment of happiness in what for some of them has been a lifetime struggle."

"Well now I feel terrible, I've outed your secret and you can't get away with it anymore. Apologies, my dude," Sean says regretfully.

"It's alright, you didn't know! I'll figure something out. I'll make quick sneak attacks to visit or something!" Spider-Man reassures him.

They both laugh and Spider-Man turns to lift his mask a little and blow his nose.

"For real though these hospitals can always use volunteers, and everyone sure appreciate it. So if you've got some time, please drop by your nearest kids hospital and offer up a little time to put a smile on a kids face. It's the best thing you'll do all day trust me."

"Okay, second last one, Spoods. Are you still with me?"

Spider-Man drags a hand down his face in exhaustion and plucks at his sweaty t-shirt which is now clinging to him a little more than it had been, his throat glistening with perspiration and Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows the milk he's desperately been holding in his mouth.

He raises the arm closest to the camera to reveal a damp underarm, "Look at this shit. I don't even break this much of a sweat fighting the tin man over here." He nods in Tony's general direction off camera and gets a snort from him in return.

"And you've got me cussing now. Ugh, I need a second."

Spider-Man stands up and starts slowly pacing behind the table, hands on his hips.

"It's alright, take a lap, Spoods! Whatever you need!" Sean reassures him good naturedly.

Spider-Man stops, turns around and braces his hands against the wall and drops his head, his back to the camera. He gives a heavy sigh, then after a beat with a small snicker, says, "Oh would you look at the time!" and starts crawling up the wall to escape.

Sean's mouth drops open in delighted shock and he throws his arms up in the air. He turns to look at his crew off camera in astonishment and gives them a giant grin.

Spider-Man disappears from sight but Sean's gaze follows him to the ceiling above the table. A faint thwip sound is heard before Spider-Man slowly lowers himself back to the table upside down in his signature pose, his t-shirt falling up his chest a bit to give everyone an eyeful. He gracefully flips forward into his seat and releases the web.

He tugs his shirt back into place and says, "I had forgotten that's why I don't usually do that in civvies. Oh well, I did warn you I'd be naked by the end."

Sean laughs and looks exhilarated at seeing wall crawling with his own eyes.

"That's amazing! You really don't need the suit for that!"

"Nope! That's one hundred percent Spidey, baby!"

He waggles his fingers at Sean as if to demonstrate and announces proudly, "I'm sticky!"

"That's what she said?" Sean fires back uncertainly and Spidey tosses his head back and cracks up at the dirty joke.

They eat their ninth wing and Spider-Man moans in agony. He gulps down some milk and then dabs his nose and mouth. After a moment he grabs a new clean napkin and turns away from the camera to pull the mask away from his face enough to get a tissue in to wipe at his watering eyes.

Spider-Man turns back around and scolds, "You monster, you've made Spider-Man cry!"

"Oh no, I'm going to get so many hate comments for this! Please don't cry, Spoods!" Sean pleads.

Spider-Man chuckles and it turns into coughing.

Sean suddenly gushes, "Looking at all the footage of Spider-Man in action on the news and online, and of course meeting you in person... You're just so cool!"

Spider-Man barks out a loud laugh at that, "That's actually the funniest thing I've heard all week. Anyone who knows my civilian self would have lots to say about me, but 'cool' would not be in the top five. In fact in wouldn't even be in the top ten, if at all. That's actually hilarious, thanks for that."

"Well they don't know what they're talking about because you are indeed cool and I'm sure most of New York would agree with me!"

"Wow that's so nice, thank you! I love you guys!" Spider-Man gushes back.

"We love you too, Spides! Have there been any super embarrassing moments as Spider-Man you'd care to share with us? What's your most embarrassing moment?"

Spider-Man pants loudly and grabs a couple ice cubes out of his glass to press to his sweating neck, the water dripping down his throat to soak into the collar of his t-shirt. He opens his mouth to answer, falters, and then shakes his head as he thinks about it some more.

"God, I don't know if I want to share my most embarrassing. It was so bad and I went to great lengths to keep the team from finding out," he gasps out in a strained voice.

His neck and cheeks start to flush deeper as he thinks about it and Sean grins widely, "Oh this ought to be good. Don't leave us hanging on that one Spidey! Don't worry, we'll be gentle!

"Oh man! I dunno!" Spider-Man moans in indecision and agony and takes another gulp of milk.

"C'mon!"

"Oh no, peer pressure!"

He looks into the camera and points his finger as if to coach those watching, "Don't give in to peer pressure kids. Think for yourself and if you really don't want to do something, say no and stick with it. If a situation is getting too overwhelming, leave, get yourself out of there."

Sean looks suitably chastised and looks like he feels bad, "You're absolutely right-"

"Having said that-" he interrupts Sean's apology, "I'm gonna tell you anyway. Close your ears kids, this story isn't for you."

Sean's eyes widen like he can't believe his luck.

Before Spider-Man can even begin his story he breaks off in a distracted tangent, "Be honest with me here, Sean, what kind of aftermath damage am I looking at here? Because I feel like I've swallowed napalm and I've got a spar with Black Widow in less than forty minutes before a team up with Deadpool this evening. Am I going to survive this or should I start composing my epitaph now?"

Sean snickers at him as he gives a low scream and chugs more milk.

"I'll never lie to you, Spoods. I'll be honest with you. I think you might be a dead man."

"Yes I thought that might be the case," he confesses in a defeated manner.

"What possessed you to schedule Black Widow after an interview with hot wings?" Sean asks incredulously.

Spider-Man shrugs, "It wasn't so much that I scheduled her after Hot Ones. It was more that I had committed to the interview and then she told me we were going to fight afterwards. And you don't say no to Black Widow, Sean. If she says you're fighting then you're fighting."

"Does your gym have a bathroom? I'd stick close to the bathroom if I were you," Sean confesses hesitantly.

Spider-Man stares at him for a few moments and his eye lenses narrow dangerously, "Are you serious?"

"Deadly serious."

"Fuck!"

"I'm sorry, Spoods, I wouldn't lie to you!"

Spider-Man stares at him for another moment, his lips pressed in a firm line. "Sean, I swear to God, if I shit my pants while Black Widow has me in a headlock I'm coming back for you."

Sean starts laughing hysterically and manages to choke out, "No no no no! You signed the waver! You agreed to this!"

"They'll never find the body," he continues menacingly as if Sean never spoke.

Sean laughs helplessly and presses his hands together as if he were praying.

Spider-Man clears his throat several times and drinks the rest of his milk. A crew member comes forward to bring him more milk. "Thank you so much."

He moans in despair and shifts around in his chair before wiping a few drops of sweat from his throat impatiently.

"Okay right, the story. Ugh. So there is a very small group of people these days who know my identity. The Avengers, one enemy, one family member, my best friend, and a close female friend. That's it."

He pauses to clear his throat, wheeze, and take a drink.

"So it's a night I'm planning to stay over at the compound, to get some early training in for the next morning with the team, but it's also an evening I've set aside for my friends. My best friend is out of town so it's just me and my-" He clears his throat, "-lady friend. She is one of two friends who knows I'm Spider-Man so I decide hey, might as well show her some cool stuff. So we go back to the compound to show her the lab where I work on my gear. I should probably mention it is also Tony's private lab. We share it. We work on all the Avengers gear in there together, me and him and sometimes Bruce. Anyway. I had just finished showing her a cool prototype for a new web shooter I came up with and I mean we're friends and all, but things started to get a little friendlier if you can pick up what I'm throwing down here."

Sean's jaw drops, not expecting this kind of story, "Oh my God!"

"Yeah. So I'm suitably uhhh... Distracted. And while I'm distracted she picks up one of the prototypes and next thing I know she's got me by the wrists. Stuck in my own goddamn webs."

Sean laughs loudly and encourages him to continue, which he does so after blowing his nose and sipping the milk.

"And these things you can't get out of unless you get cut out or you let them dissolve two hours later. So I trusted this girl, and put my guard down -that was my first mistake - and she caught me literally with my pants down, stuck in my own goddamn spiderwebs."

He plucks at his t-shirt in discomfort again and fans at his face with his free hand.

"At this point I'm getting a bit concerned, but she's not stopping so I give her the benefit of the doubt. Fast forward..." Spider-Man hedges, being purposely vague to preserve a little modesty. Spider-Man looks at the camera and his eye lens gives a sly wink, shakes his head and gives an embarrassed laugh before he continues.

"Fast forward a while and she collects herself. Then-"

He needs a moment to shake his head with a rueful smile. "THEN, she says, 'later', and waltzes out the door. As she turned, I caught her smirk. She smirked! She thought this was hilarious!"

Spider-Man is half yelling as the studio laughs and he's shaking his hands in angry emphasis. "So now I'm glued to the fucking lab completely in the buff for who knows how much longer until these things dissolve, and I honestly have no idea if anybody is going to come by the lab at any point and end up catching me. And any of them can, there's prototypes for every Avenger in there so there's a chance they might wander in."

He takes a drink and blows his nose.

"So after an indeterminate amount of time, I am released from my prison. It is bittersweet. Don't get me wrong. It's been a great night-" He pauses to laugh embarrassingly and his lips give a wry quirk, "-but that was some of the scariest shit I've lived through. While I was trapped I eventually started hearing footsteps up and down the hall and I was absolutely terrified someone was about to come in. And it isn't until I'm halfway back to my room when I remember Tony has cameras, like, everywhere. So back I go. Hacked in and deleted it, thankfully."

As the laughter simmers down, Tony from off camera yells angrily, "I can't believe you desecrated my lab!"

Spider-Man laughs and puts his hands up in surrender, "I'm sorry Tony! I'm so sorry! It won't happen again!"

He has to suddenly duck an incoming half empty water bottle aimed for his head that Tony had obviously thrown.

"Don't think I'll let this stand, Underoos. I know what we're watching for Avengers movie night tomorrow."

"Oh God, no! I deleted it!" Spider-Man exclaims in horror.

"I have backups."

"I deleted those too."

"We'll see."

Spider-Man bites his bottom lip, half grinning and half apprehensive.

Sean grins and asks, "Did you get them all?"

"Yes," he confirms confidently. After a moment he whispers uncertainly, "I think so."

"So," Sean says gleefully after a moment, "There's potentially a Spider-Man sex tape floating around somewhere?"

Spider-Man flushes a dark red and laughs in embarrassment, "I mean I'm pretty sure I deleted everything. But potentially, I guess?"

"I'll let you know," Tony quips and they laugh again.

Spider-Man puts his face in his hands and groans in embarrassment, "I can't believe I confessed that. I can just see the headlines once people see this video."

"And your lady friend?" Sean follows up.

"Oh we're fine. I snarked at her the next day and she smirked a lot and honestly I should have expected as much from her. Don't worry, we're still friends!"

"Just friends?" Sean needles.

"... Close friends." Spider-Man hedges after a moment.

"How's she going to react to you telling us all this?"

"Oh, she'll be endlessly amused and probably take a screenshot of me in distress to print out and leave for me to find in various places."

"She's terrifying," Tony mutters, but the camera picks it up.

"Oh yeah?" Sean perks up, looking for more information.

"She's... Something else. She'll probably rule the world some day. And that's all I'll say about that topic for safety," Spider-Man concludes that line of questioning.

"Fair enough. Moving on to the final battle! You've come so far! I'm proud of you, Spidey!"

Sean picks up the last bottle of hot sauce and starts shaking it and Spider-Man bites his lip in apprehension. "Oh no, I know what happens next. I don't like this."

Sean laughs and continues as he opens the bottle and dabs a little on his wing, "Now Spidey, this is called 'the last dab', as you know. For the viewers at home, it's called 'the last dab' because it's tradition around here to put a little extra on the last wing, but you don't have to, we won't judge if you can't handle it."

Spider-Man doesn't hesitate, "Yes you will. You'll totally judge. Hit me!" and holds out his hand for the bottle.

Sean laughs as Spider-Man dabs extra on his wing and agrees, "I mean yeah, we totally would."

"I'm not a spider wimp, I'm not!" Spider-Man jokes in a petulant tone.

Spider-Man takes a deep breath and tries to gather his courage. "God, I'd rather get yeeted into the Hudson again. At least I'd stop sweating."

Sean snorts as Spider-Man devours the wing quickly before he can overthink it. Spider-Man swallows and immediately shouts in distress and starts gulping milk.

Sean laughs and asks his final question quickly, "It's been so great having you on here today, getting to know you a little better. Obviously, all we have really seen of you these past years are the small clips of you swinging or fighting, so it's been great getting to talk to you. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is surprised in that you're much different than we expected you to be. Honestly you're a pretty normal guy, just like the rest of us, except sticky."

Spider-Man doesn't pause in guzzling the milk but gives him a thumbs up in agreement.

Sean continues, "I know there was a lot we didn't cover, that we can't cover for various reasons, but we appreciate you giving us a bit of a peek at the real guy behind the mask. My final question for you is: can you tell us a few fun facts about yourself that we don't already know?"

"Uhhh," Spider-Man choked through the burning pain, "Uhhh... God it's like I swallowed fire. Literal fire. I can't even think."

Sean snickers and blinks rapidly, trying to hide his reaction to the hottest sauce as he finally shows that he is affected.

Spider-Man sniffles and wipes his nose and continues, gasping, "I invented the formula for the synthetic webs by myself, and the gadgets I use to shoot them, long before I met Tony. I used to dumpster dive, that's where I got most of my components."

He drinks more milk and coughs before blowing his nose. "Oh my God it hurts. Food shouldn't hurt. Oh this is awful. Do you hate me, Sean? Is that it? Is this your way of telling me you hate me? I keep New York safe and this is the thanks I get?"

Sean laughs and tries to deny it, "No! No way!"

Spider-Man accepts a fresh glass of milk and chokes out a thank you before continuing, "I, uhhh, I dunno, I enjoy photography."

"As in you like looking at photography or you like taking photos?" Sean asks.

"Well both, but yeah taking photos. I've posted a couple on my social media but I'll start posting more if anyone is interested in seeing that kind of stuff."

"Yeah totally, I bet you get some unique shots being able to get places other people can't," Sean enthuses.

Spider-Man nods, drinking again.

"Uhhh, I'm arachnophobic," he admits, fishing to come up with more anecdotes.

"Wait, what?! Dude, you're SPIDER man! How can you be arachnophobic?!" Sean questions incredulously.

"Ugh, well I can't say too much since it involves Spider-Man's origin story and I don't want people trying to recreate it or something and end up getting hurt, but it was an accident and involved spiders and agonizing pain and almost dying so I think I'm a little entitled to a bit of arachnophobia, don't you?"

Sean is wide eyed as he agrees.

"And on that note, congratulations on making it through. It's been a struggle for you, considering your enhanced senses, but you pulled through like a champ. It should be no surprise to anyone, since you don't know how to quit! It's been an honor meeting you, and hopefully you'll consider coming back someday when you've unmasked and we can have another go."

"Uhhhh, I'll think about it," he hedges.

Sean laughs and points to the cameras, "This camera, this camera, or this camera, let the people know what you've got going on in your life."

"Right, well, I support a number of local charities and they're always incredibly in need, so please consider donating some money. And if you don't have that, maybe donate some of your time. You can find a list of these charities in the description below, and at the end of this video. I'll also be attending a fundraiser for orphaned children at the end of the month. We're going to hang out, take some pictures, have a bit of fun. You can also find information on that in the description, and I hope you'll consider dropping by. Come say hi and tell me how much of a wimp I'm not."

Sean laughs, "Thanks for joining us! See you next time on First We Feast, this is Sean Bevans."

The camera cuts to show sometime shortly after the interview, Spider-Man, Tony, and Sean standing around chatting and laughing as the crew walks around cleaning the set. Tony is telling a story involving Spider-Man getting distracted during a mission and body slamming the side of a brick building while web slinging. Sean erupts in laughter and Spider-Man playfully shoves Tony before fishing his ringing phone out of his pocket. He answers it and they curiously watch him.

"Ohhh, hey Nat!" He nervously greets the caller. He pauses while the caller talks and he responds, "Of course we're still on. I'm sorry, I totally lost track of time. I'll-" He gets cut off by the caller and he listens nervously, tugging on his collar. "Errr... No. No of course not. Wait... No. Yes of course. I-" he cuts off what he was about to say and looks at his phone. He looks up at Sean and Tony and his eye lenses widen comically.

"Oh man, she's pissed. I'm late."

Tony smirks, "Nice knowing ya."

Tony and Spider-Man then pose for a group picture with the entire crew, Spider-Man making his signature hand pose. The video goes black as Spider-Man and Sean shake hands and the audio lingers with Spider-Man saying, "Ten out of ten, would not do again," and Sean and Tony laughing.

* * *

Comments:

AceSummer

well he's not wrong. that's good internet.

Mrs Spiderman

I think I'm in love

Spidey fan

aaaaaaaaabs

Sophi

Wow he's not at all like I imagined

Bebeetch

Spidey on that seventh wing LOL

Benticat

RIP Black Widow gonna thigh choke him out

Vistale

I would pay good money to watch a Spider-Man bondage sex tape

TweetNinja

Hmm it never really occurred to me why he didn't sign the accords

Flameswell

Oh man I can't wait for him to finally sign the accords and unmask

PinkJan

"hypothetically" lol

dodododododo

Guys I just had a crazy idea. I think he might be a student

Nervous Nelly

Whatever gave you that idea? Lol

I am a banana

High school or college?

dodododododo

Probably college. A high schooler can't be that kick-ass can they?

My name Jeff

I wonder what he looks like under that mask

MemeLord

Probably deformed

waaaaat

no I doubt it, he says he hides to protect his friends and family. I can understand that.

Marry me Spides

I'd say he's pretty handsome actually, look at that jawww

Kuro2cool

So he can do a few tricks, that doesn't mean he should be doing this shit. That's what we pay professionals good money for. He's not a cop.

Benny

Yeah and at least they're trained

Roseawayee

I dunno, Spidey seems to know what he's doing

Kuro2cool

until he's not and gets someone killed

Roseawayee

Sometimes the police just isn't enough

EpicChikk

omg spiderman is my fave

FunHi

Spides once stopped a mugger from taking my purse! He was super nice and sat with me for at least 20 minutes until I calmed down and stopped crying and then helped me get a cab to the hospital. He even paid for it! I love you Spides!

LawnMoon

dat ass tho

Margethe

Awww blushy spiderman is the sweetest

VanderKit

He's so normal, I wasn't expecting that

metawank

spiderman sucks

IronManIsMyDaddy

Yay iron man made an appearance!

IAmIronStan

Anyone else think it's super sweet that Tony came with Spidey for his interview? #friendgoals

The not so incredible Hulk

Get Tony on hot ones next!

IronManIsMyDaddy

Yessssss

IAmIronStan

I mean he didn't even flinch at da bomb though, when he finished Spidey's wing. It would probably just be a normal interview but with a snack

Spidermenace241

I still think he's a menace

MMM whatcha say

J Jonah is that you

JrWaves4

I'm so jealous Sean got to meet him in person

crazycatlady18

I wanna hear his real voice!

MajorFraser

There's a couple videos floating around from when he first started and it captured him speaking a little. It was a few years ago so he sounds a lot younger but he doesn't sound too different from the modulator in my opinion

crazycatlady18

I wonder if Sean will ever come across civilian Spidey in the wild? Can't you just imagine Spidey making eye contact and smirking and Sean just getting this look of realization on his face that he's looking at the real deal before the crushing defeat sets in when he realizes he can do nothing about it

GoobleRay

Those wings hit him harder than rhino lol

Juztinny

Hahaha

TaraSweetie

Shit did you see Tony's face after Spides told that story about him getting crushed by Vulture? He looked so guilty

CrownBillion

Who'd have thought Spidey was into the kinky shit

Softy4Spidey

think his lady friend is a girlfriend or just a fuck buddy?

CrownBillion

doesn't matter, he'll never tell us

DJTwinkle

I've always wondered if he ever used his webs for bondage

LolaShun

Lol wtf dude

wHeN wIlL yOu LeArN

Woo Spidey! Get some!

CrownBillion

Yeah, was not expecting that story. I dunno, always thought he was too wholesome for that hahaha

Softy4Spidey

for what, sex? he's human too, just like us. i'm sure he has needs

CrownBillion

I guess I always pictured him fighting crime 24/7 lol

ChicMoto

Wow I had no idea he did so much volunteer work, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He's too good for this world and you can fight me on that

ChampionFeline

he's a precious little bean

ForShark

"sleep is for the weak"

onesbuma00

mood!

henrytech

I wonder what he meant when he said things got scary real with the Vulture

MUSTCONSTRUCTADDITIONALPYLONS

I dunno but must have been bad to scare this guy. He keeps cracking jokes even when staring down rocket launchers

JuzzFizz

He also mentioned that one enemy knew his real identity and that he couldn't say more about his conflict with Vulture because it might compromise his identity. I wonder if it got scary because Vulture found out who he was

henrytech

Shit that's terrifying

JuzzFizz

And he wouldn't be able to say how he found out because if it was his next door neighbor or something people could just look up where Toomes used to live

henrytech

Plus then other criminals could give Vulture the shake down in prison and find out who he is if they know that he knows

BannerBaby

Yeah I wonder why that one enemy who knows hasn't told everyone his real identity. Isn't that what evil people do when they find out a secret identity?

henrytech

Maybe Spides threatened him to stay quiet?

PenguinBad

I mean maybe, but that doesn't seem his style

TotallyNotDeadpool

At least in this universe he doesn't strut down the street making weird finger guns, trying to impress women

Cordolicious

What the fuck? Where did that even come from?

TotallyNotDeadpool

Just saying. That would be weird.


	2. Cut Scenes

A nondescript grey metal door opens to admit Happy Hogan, dressed in his typical sunglasses and dark suit, who removes his sunglasses and cautiously peers around before settling his gaze on Sean Bevans, who is chatting with two crew members. He marches towards him with purpose and clears his throat to gain his attention. The conversation ceases and they turn to Happy.

Sean offers him a hand to shake and they exchange names and greetings. Happy explains that he will be attending the interview to act as security. After the pleasantries are observed, Sean looks behind Happy at the closed door and asks him in a puzzled manner, "Is the guest of honor not joining us?"

"He'll be along shortly," Happy explains, "Something came up. Something usually does."

Sean gives him an uncertain smile and his eyebrows crease in confusion while Happy rolls his eyes.

"In the meantime we can go over the ground rules," Happy continues. "Spider-Man has agreed to be interviewed and filmed on your show. His identity is to remain concealed and he will not be removing his mask at any point. I've been assured by Mr. Stark's legal team that you have all signed the non-disclosure agreements that were sent over last month. Please keep in mind should you hear or see something that you shouldn't hear or see, that Tony Stark has better lawyers than you do. In short, if something slips and you witness it, keep it zipped or else."

Sean stares dumbfounded at the unfriendly man and his eyes widen as he continues to speak. The two crew members exchange wide-eyed looks and silently and hesitantly shuffle away.

"Err-" Sean begins awkwardly before being interrupted by Happy.

"I'm not done," he says impatiently as he holds up a hand as if to physically stop him. Sean blinks and Happy continues, "You are free to ask him whatever you want, however he reserves the right to not answer. The only exceptions," he inclines his head to pin Sean with an intense stare that is intended to be intimidating, "are that you may not ask him who he is, anything probing about his friends and family, the location of his residence, how he became enhanced, and probing questions on the exact nature of his abilities. He will not be entertaining any questions of that nature so you can forget about it."

Happy pauses to pull his phone from his pocket and look down to check a message, and Sean takes the distraction to flick his eyes to the right and share an alarmed look with a coworker. Sean's eyebrows climb his forehead and his mouth frowns in a moue of baffled displeasure before settling on a helpless shrug. Happy taps out a response before looking up to address Sean once again. Sean snaps his eyes back to Happy and blanks his face so as not to get caught.

"As per our agreement I have brought our own order of wings and I will supervise you opening fresh, sealed bottles of all the sauces. You will keep the wings in my sight at all times until the interview begins. No funny business or we walk."

Sean shakes his head and tries to placate him, "Hey man, we'd never poison Spider-Man. No funny business here. We're just going to eat chicken and talk. Is this strictly necessary?"

"If you understood how many people want him dead you wouldn't be saying that. It's this or nothing."

Sean pauses to regard the grumpy man and cocks his head to the side as he mutters, "'Happy', huh?"

Happy's eyes narrow at the slight and he opens his mouth to retort but is interrupted by the door slamming open and they both turn to regard the newcomers.

Tony Stark saunters in as if he owns the place, which very well could be true, and is followed by a slightly hunched over Spider-Man in civvies and mask who is tenderly holding his ribs.

"I'm just saying," Tony drawls and gestures at the air with his right hand in a careless manner.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah," Spider-Man interrupts exasperated, "Everyone's a critic. Next time I guess I'll just let the nice old lady get creamed by the runaway moving truck, shall I?"

Tony rolls his eyes and grins and is about to retort when his eye catches Happy straightening importantly and tugging on his suit jacket to erase imaginary wrinkles and Tony leads them both over to meet them, forgetting about the squabble he was having with Spider-Man.

Tony arrives first and shakes Sean's hand and they exchange greetings and introductions. Sean looks relieved to have been interrupted from his conversation with Happy, and surprised to see Tony.

"Mr. Stark, I didn't know you would be joining us. It's an honor to meet you," Sean confesses in as professional a tone as he can manage, trying not to fawn in the presence of the two heroes.

"It was either this or attend that board meeting Pepper has been nagging me about for three weeks," Tony shrugged nonchalantly.

"You mean that super important board meeting that Pepper told you to attend or else?" Happy interjects helpfully.

Tony nods thoughtfully, "Yeah, that's the one."

As if on cue, Tony's cellphone rings angrily in his pocket and he promptly sends it to voicemail and smiles at them as if nothing happened.

Spider-Man snorts as he comes to a stop next to Tony and holds out his hand to greet Sean with a shake as well. "Sorry we're late, I had to take care of something."

"No worries, I'm sure you're a busy guy. No harm, no foul," he assures him. "Are you alright?" He gestures at Spider-Man holding his ribs.

Spider-Man makes an effort to straighten and lets his arms fall to his sides, "Yeah I'm good. Nothing to worry about!"

"He had an altercation with a grand piano," Tony whispers sotto voce, cupping a hand to his mouth as though imparting a secret, "Spoiler alert: the piano won."

Spider-Man sighs, aggravated. "Shall we get started?"

Sean shows the two to their dressing room to relax before the interview begins. Happy lags behind with Tony to discuss something and Sean turns to Spider-Man and attempts small talk.

"So, Happy Hogan. He's kind of...intense?"

Spider-Man waves a careless hand at him and huffs out a laugh, "Nah, he's a teddy bear!"

From over Spider-Man's right shoulder, Sean sees Tony distractedly decline another phone call and Happy's head swivel to regard him as if he heard his comment somehow, and makes a gesture with his pointer and middle fingers at his own eyes and then at Sean as if to say, 'I'm watching you'.

Sean raises an uncertain eyebrow and gives him a shaky smile.

Spider-Man snickers quietly as he texts someone on his phone. Tony and Happy are across the room talking. A young woman working in the crew clutches a stuffed toy to her chest in a death grip as she blushes heavily and hesitantly approaches Spider-Man.

Happy catches sight of her out of the corner of his eye and abandons his discussion with Tony and yells, "Hey! You! Yeah, you!"

The young woman, Tony, and Spider-Man all jump in fright at the sudden loud noise and the woman squeaks and drops what she was holding.

Happy marches forward and steps between them and raises his hands to ward her off.

"Who are you?" He demands at once, "What do you want? Why are you approaching Spider-Man?"

He fires off the questions without giving her a chance to answer and she is visibly flustered.

Tony looks over and saves the poor girl, "Down boy. Give her a break, Hap."

Happy lowers his arms but continues to stare as she stutters.

Spider-Man abandons his texting to watch the unfolding scene before looking down to see the toy the woman had dropped. He reaches down to pick it up and sees that it is a plush Spider-Man toy.

Spider-Man gasps dramatically and Happy spins around on the spot, reaching for his hip holster.

"It's me!" Spider-Man gushes, "I have a plushie!"

Tony grins and lets out a cackle, "Stand down, double oh seven. I think we can handle this."

Spider-Man looks up at Tony and laments, "Oh man, times like this makes me want to unmask so I can license my own merch."

Tony waggles his finger at him. "Yeah that's probably not a sufficient enough reason to unmask."

Spider-Man shrugs comically and answers with a noncommittal, "Hn".

Spider-Man holds up the toy and looks at the young woman over Happy's shoulder and asks, "This yours?"

She gives a small gulp and does her best to gather her courage. "N-no. It's my little brother's. We're both big fans, of all the Avengers really, but you're my brother's favorite."

Spider-Man straightens and his eye lenses widen and then squint in delight. "Yeah?" He asks excitedly.

She nods and explains, "It's his birthday next week and I knew you were scheduled to interview this week, so I was kinda hoping I could get your autograph on the Spider-Man plush I bought him. It would make his whole birthday."

Spider-Man makes a comical cooing noise and not so subtly edges Happy out of the way. Happy huffs, offended, but stands down.

Spider-Man happily signs the toy and she gushes her thanks.

Tony pouts, which they see, and she swiftly stammers out that her brother is a big fan of Iron Man as well, and if it isn't too much trouble would he please sign it as well?

Spider-Man's mask twitches as if he is smirking and Tony perks up at once and complies.

A few crew members walking past see the heroes signing things and hesitantly linger in the doorway hopefully.

Spider-Man laughs gently and beckons them in, starting an avalanche of crew getting selfies and autographs.

Spider-Man leans close to Tony in between photos and whispers, "I'm his favorite."

Tony glares.

Happy hovers nearby, blustering and sweating.

Spider-Man sits quietly in a chair in his t-shirt, as patiently as Spider-Man is capable of being sitting still for any length of time, while a crew member attaches his microphone.

The relative quiet is interrupted with a low rumble and Spider-Man grasps a hand to his stomach and whines, "Man, I'm starving."

Tony rolls his eyes and snorts, "You're always starving. You're like a black hole for food."

His gut expresses his displeasure again and Tony quips, "You know it's a good thing I'm a billionaire or I'd have gone poor long ago trying to keep up with your metabolism."

Spider-Man spots a complimentary basket of snacks across the room and makes an interested noise. The crew member catches the hint and reassures Spider-Man that he'll be finished soon.

Spider-Man impatiently aims his wrist at the basket and with a gesture and a soft thwip, a sticky rope of synthetic spiderweb shoots out of a cuff on his wrist to adhere to the side. The crew member swiftly forgets what he's doing and stares as his mouth drops open. With a quick yanking motion the basket soars across the room and into Spider-Man's arms with a jaunty, "Yoink!"

Spider-Man rifles through his bounty and after a moment becomes aware that the crew member is still staring. He selects a packaged chocolate bar and sticks the end into the man's gaping maw causing him to instinctively bite down, leaving him with a bar sticking stupidly out of his mouth. This snaps him out of it and as Spider-Man throws a package of cookies at Tony and cracks into a bag of Doritos, the crew member takes the bar out of his mouth, gives a bewildered grin, and breathes, "Cool."

Spider-Man and Sean both take their seats at the table, ready to start the interview once the crew finishes with the final adjustments to the lights and cameras.

Sean turns to Spider-Man to engage in small talk when they are interrupted with Spider-Man's cellphone ringing.

"Oh man, sorry about that. That's so rude, I forgot to turn it off."

He retrieves it from his pocket to glance at the caller ID and his eye lenses widen in panic.

"Underoos?" Tony questions, concerned.

Spider-Man quickly declines the call and silences the phone. "It's Pepper, she's started calling me now. Looks like you're in big trouble, Tony."

Tony waves away the comment and affects a blasé attitude, but the accompanying laugh sounds just a shade nervous.

Spider-Man has one wing left on the board to tackle and he squirms uncomfortably in his chair. He looks as though he has been through a war, gasping, groaning, and sweat decorating his throat and exposed upper lip.

He squirms again and bites his lip to hold in an extremely manly whimper when Sean quirks an eyebrow and questions, "Doing okay over there, Spidey?"

"Uhhh..." He hedges, "I'm not gonna lie, man. I'm busting for a piss."

Tony snorts off camera and snarks, "He's so professional."

Spider-Man glares at him and defends himself. "Have you seen how much water and milk I've been guzzling? You try chugging that much and not need to pee!"

He turns hopefully to Sean, "Can we take a super quick break? I just gotta..." He trails off and gestures with a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of his dressing room and attached bathroom.

Sean nods with an understanding grin, "Yeah sure, man. Go ahead."

Just as he's about to stand up he pauses, raises his hands near his face, and stares at them.

Sean's eyebrows furrow at the strange behaviour and he stares at him as if he has ten heads. "Spides?" He prompts.

Spider-Man jerks his head up and his eye lenses widen in horror. Sean becomes more confused.

"S-so, what's the protocol here exactly," he sputters, and continues when he only gets more confused stares, "Because I've been touching hot sauce for the past hour and now I've gotta pee and I'm terrified to touch my dick."

Sean blinks and his mouth drops open. The set is dead silent for a beat until with a roar it erupts in laughter.

Spider-Man blinks in confusion and whimpers in an extremely manly way.

Sean chats with Spider-Man as they stand up from the table at the conclusion of the interview and prepare to take a group photo.

"Thanks again for coming on the show, that was a blast."

"You bet! Thanks for having me!"

"Man, what I wouldn't give to get some of the other Avengers on here too," Sean muses.

Spider-Man turns his head to regard him thoughtfully. Sean returns the look questioningly and he passes whatever test Spider-Man has put him through in his head. He asks for Sean's phone, who complies with a puzzled, "Oookay."

"This is my number. Keep in touch, I'll see what I can do about trapping some victims for you."

He finishes tapping in his number and passes over his own phone for Sean to input his own number.

"Dude, that's your personal number?" Sean asks incredulously.

"Well, kind of," he replies. "It's one of several numbers owned by Stark Industries, but this one is dedicated to Spider-Man. It forwards to my personal cell, so my identity isn't attached to it. It's safe, don't worry! Just keep it to yourself please, yeah? Don't want to get bombarded with marriage proposals or something. I trust you to not sell it online," he finishes with a wink.

Spider-Man turns to talk to Tony and Sean turns to a coworker to mouth, 'Oh my God!'

His coworker flaps his hands at Sean excitedly and Sean murmurs uncertainly, "I think that means we're friends now?!"

Spider-Man stares down at his phone in horror as the dial tone continues to ring out, indicating the caller has hung up. Tony and Sean snicker at him, no sympathy for his impending murder.

"Yeah so I think I'm going to web sling my way back to the compound. It's going to take too long to go back in the car and she's pissed enough as it is," Spider-Man nervously says. Happy promptly leaves to retrieve a bag from the car.

Tony smirks, "Coward!"

Spider-Man fires back, "Yeah? When's the last time you trained with Nat, Tony?"

Tony flounders for a moment before settling on, "I'm a very busy man. Besides, I'm Iron Man. I don't need to train with Nat. I'm unbeatable and it would be an unfair fight to Nat."

Spider-Man stares at him unimpressed. "I'm telling her you said that. Then we'll see how unbeatable you are, tin can."

Tony's eyes widen in panic before he clears his throat. "Tick tock, Underoos."

Spider-Man's eye lenses flare and he turns to dash to the dressing room, grabbing the bag from Happy just as he steps back into the room. "Thanks, Hap!"

Happy grunts and crosses his arms.

After a few moments Spider-Man returns with the bag slung over his shoulder, and the set goes quiet as they catch sight of Spider-Man in full costume. He hands his bag back to Happy and tinkers obliviously with the web shooters on his wrist, making sure he has enough web fluid for the return trip.

A quiet squeal of excitement from a crew member causes Spider-Man's head to snap up in alarm before relaxing once he determines the cause. His eye lenses squint and his mask twitches in a smile and he gives a soft chuckle.

A crew member begs for another quick picture of him in full gear and he relents, causing another avalanche of pictures. He shrugs helplessly and prays Natasha will bless him with a swift death later.

Not a chance.  
_


	3. Teaser

🕷️🕸️  
Hey man, how's it going

That Asshole  
fine thanks

That Asshole  
I'm sorry who is this? You're just a contact saved in my phone with a spider and a web emoji

That Asshole  
Oh wait are you serious? Spider-Man?

🕷️🕸️  
Ah ha! He's quick! Yes, it's me

That Asshole  
For awhile there I thought the memory of us exchanging phone numbers was just a fever dream

🕷️🕸️  
It was not! Though I'm pretty sure the last dab had me hallucinating for hours afterwards so I can't say I blame you

That Asshole  
Hah! It's good to hear from you, good to see you survived

🕷️🕸️  
It was touch and go there for awhile but I pulled through

That Asshole  
I had no doubt that you would! How was the fight with black widow? Any unfortunate bathroom accidents?

🕷️🕸️  
You're still alive aren't you?

That Asshole  
lol

🕷️🕸️  
They always think I'm joking.

🕷️🕸️  
So I'm not sure if you remember the convo we had after the interview but you mentioned being willing to commit murder to get some Avengers on your show

That Asshole  
I absolutely remember that conversation. Is this leading to where I hope it's going?

🕷️🕸️  
That depends

That Asshole  
On what

🕷️🕸️  
On if what you're hoping for involves Captain America eating scandalously hot subpar chicken wings while trying to maintain his good image

That Asshole  
Please don't be playing with me right now because I don't think my heart can take the heartbreak if you're joking

🕷️🕸️  
How does next week sound to you?

That Asshole  
That sounds amazing. Absolutely yes! Thank you so much

🕷️🕸️  
You bring the crappy wings, I'll bring the hunky Dorito

That Asshole  
I'm sorry, the what now?

🕷️🕸️  
[Picture of Captain America photo with two fingers holding a Dorito against his torso, demonstrating the proportions hilariously match]


End file.
